Thursday, 2 October 2008

HOLLYWOOD: STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

So, this week I read that someone is writing a sequel to Blade Runner. I also read someone is remaking Angel Heart. I then read that someone is making a prequel to John Carpenters' The Thing.
For the love of Marlon Brando. Will someone please stop these people from messing with my favorite films? Have they no original ideas?
This is literally crazy. In fact, I consider it clinically insane. I'm really sorry to anyone out there who is in fact, insane. I've got to say. I consider you normal next to these idiots.

If you know anyone who is planning on remaking or rehashing a classic film, it is not a crime to destroy them. Repeat. Newsflash. It's perfectly okay to put these people out of their misery. I don't mind how. If you want to be humane. Fine. If you want to go loopy with a handgun. Well... that seems reasonable to me too.

If that seems extreme. Well... It is.

These people are evil. They eat children, mug old ladies, and probably even watch pirate DVD's.
Yeah... it's THAT serious.

Apart from anything else. What kind of sense does it all make?

You get an old 'property' (they call these films properties, tuh!) and you figure... "the current generation won't know about this, so let's remake it and have another hit".
Duh!
If the current generation don't know it anyway, why bother? It ends up being on the same terms as all the other films. I mean, how are you going to market it?
"The new version of the film your Dad loved"

Films are like massive great balls of chance. You put all the elements together and sometimes it sticks and makes a brilliant piece of work. It's luck.
Blade Runner. Everyone hated making it. It was torture. Harrison Ford won't even talk about it. But it had so much style and atmosphere, something clicked.
Angel Heart. All style. Not much content really. But oh... what style it has! Just amazing. you can feel the sweaty, eerie, seductivness coming off the screen.

So, how the HELL are you going to remake it? Hmmmm?

Just Don't.

Now. Go to your room Hollywood. And don't come out again until you're ready to start behaving like a proper film industry. With ideas and imagination and all that good stuff.

3 comments:

Si said...

Hey Dan. Don't often leave comments unless I feel quite strongly about something but...Bladerunner? A sequel? Are you sure? Hesus Christi!

Dan Turner said...

Sir. I am desperately sad to confirm thus: http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/movies/a131474/eagle-eye-scribe-pens-blade-runner-2.html

Si said...

Right then. It's time to implement 'the plan'. If we move fast, we may just avert the 'Escape from New York' remake.